sissy4ladyd - Dawning of awareness...

Beg to squirt points status:
Beginning points: 5
Gained yesterday: 1
Lost today: None
New Total: 6

Hello A/all! i earned a point yesterday, for gaining $5 on NF, whoring for my Lady! :) Not much, and took 3 calls to do it, but i did it! :) Just very short little calls and never quite sure if the men got off or not, but they seemed to.

my Lady asked me to describe the evolution of my awareness that i tragically possessed less than adequate equipment between my sissy legs. i must say that i've often wondered to myself, and i've never arrived at an adequate solution, whether or not the cause of the my submissive nature was having a tiny twig where a penis should be, or whether i would have been submissive anyway. The chicken or egg argument, i suppose. i think, as i try to recall my earliest childhood experiences, that i was always submissive towards women (not so much towards men, or at least not in the same way), and that the awareness of my tiny clitty simply reinforced those already deep-seated feelings, making them more permanent, and more a part of my being.

i say this because way before any thought would have been given to my having a smaller than usual penis, i was used somewhat by neighborhood girls---when playing "doctor", and carrying their books, and basically doing whatever they asked--pretty girls of course. And i always was intimidated by them, even at a very young age, pre-teen. This only became enhanced, i believe, once more sexual feelings entered into the picture, and as i've mentioned before, i've always had cuckolding feelings and fantasies, way before i realized that i'd actually enjoy carrying them out, and way before i had any idea what they were even called and that others had similiar feelings (pre-www days for sure).

i first started to realize i was less than adequate as a teen, in the shower rooms. i sneak glances at other boys, and notice how better hung everyone was than me (and i do mean everyone!). While their penis' hung and swung, with length (not all the same, but all bigger than me), i had merely a shriveled little peanut, just a little acorn. my little mind didn't know how to handle that, and i thought something was wrong with me, but had no idea who to ask or who to turn to. Things like that simply weren't discussed in my very traditional, Roman Catholic, ethnic family. So i turned to mild porn--my step-father's Playboy's, and found letters to the editor and articles discussing penis size. Well, i have no idea who was behind all those, but they led me to a mistaken view of the matter. The consistent theme i picked up on, optimistically, hanging onto hope for me, was that while many penis' are varying in size while soft, while erect most penis' are about the same size in length. And while length might be attractive to some women, most women prefer girth, which is always about the same, and also prefer technique to size. While this was largely a BIG MYTH, i have found some women later in life who do express the technique over size preference, though i suspect that they'd much prefer both. Some women do not like huge, but not teensy weensy either; while others are clearly size queens. i learned those hard cold truths much later though.

But for a while, i hung onto those myths, because they gave me hope. i think that somewhere in the back of my mind, i didn't believe them, but i tried to rationalize. More rationalization came when i got my hands on more hardcore porn, and even snuck into the downtown porn theatre with a buddy a few times, and noticed OMG how hugely hung those men were. i joked with my buddy that those guys were abnormal to be hung like that--he grinned, but i suspect he thought that they weren't all that much bigger than him or others in his experience (showers, etc), but ok, he went along with it. More rationalization on my part.

my first experience with a girl: i was always embarrassed and remained so throughout my entire life when finally getting around to exposing my little twiglet, but this first time, i didn't think as much of it. Hey, i was young, dumb and full of cum---hey wait, that's a porn title---ok, get porn off my mind! :) So anyway, she came onto me, i have always been "hit" on by women, as i'm too shy to make the first move in realtime (not as shy online obviously, but still a bit). She was hot, gorgeous, popular, and really cool. Well, one thing led to another, and we were smooching and making out, and slowly getting naked. This is another thing, i've never been aggressive with a woman, unless i'm totally sure she's ok with me being (yes, i've been with women where i've been somewhat dominant---silly as it may sound, but i've been married twice and those women loved me for other qualities than my penis size, though that eventually led to their demise, but when they wanted sex, they wanted the aggressive guy, and i could try to simulate that the best i could, though always with a LOT of cunnilingus to ensure that she was pleasured and had an orgasm!). But i'd always worry that i was hurting a women (not really with my clitty, i mean, c'mon!!), but in other ways, or that i was being too rough, etc. So, always the subby boy that i am, i guess, even from the start. Well, when this girl (Jeanine was her name) saw my little twiglet, she giggled, and when we got it erect, she actually asked if i was serious...i wasn't quite sure what she meant, but soon found out. That was it for us, no sex, and no future. After that, i'd notice her snickering with her girlfriends whenever i'd pass by. She'd be all smiles and say hello and be friendly, but i could hear them laughing whenever i'd pass. So humiliating.

After that, i became even more tremendously shy than ever. While i had a few girlfriends and, as mentioned, was married twice, it took a lot for the women to get me, because i'd always have in the back of my mind how disappointed she'd be when confronted with my clitty. And how i'd be humiliated, or rejected, or simply found to be inadequate and disappoint her. So many negative feelings associated with it, i decided at some point, after some painful times, to simply go with it, and seek out women (on the internet, that is, much easier to do than in person, clearly) who would humiliate me for it. And my fantasies which were always of me being sexually submissive, humiliated by a larger more dominant male, and so on, were able to be merged with the reality of surrendering to a woman. In some ways, it's been somewhat impersonal (not really, but detached in full realm of sensual experience) as it's been all online, but hopefully one day, i'll be able to *be* in the presence of such a woman in real time.

i'll be happy to elaborate upon this if my Lady or anyone who reads this would request...thank Y/You for listening.

Hope A/all have a truly wonderful day!!

Lady Deidre's devoted sissy pet, stacie